Might I Mistake Your Words?

In a crowded room
Smoked like glassy eyes
Glazed over with desire
Shoulders touch
The wishing well spills
Begin

And we don't know why
Just why we blink at the most
Critical of times
An even field
You keep me reeling
At the signs

Might I mistake your words
For promises
And I may misjudge
Our distances
But these are things
Most typical
And I am trusting
I can take it all

Oh, should I risk it
Or hold my hands and fold?


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This year was a damn good test.
A damn good chance to prove to myself that sometimes I can be just a little bit invincible.
I am what I let myself be.
But god damn, it's so hard to be what I need to be.
I am surviving.
I am capable.
I am as stable as anyone else.
And while I may be a lot of unpleasant things, I am great ones too.
I will persevere and feel content.
It just takes the right state of mind.
"Thou art not lovelier than lilacs, - no"

Boysetsfire "Across Five Years"

"I said I'm crazy one more time
Picked up the phone and wondered why
So many years of hidden dreams
Pushed down too far to ever win
Locked doors and hidden ghosts
Denied myself with every joke
This is not me
This could never be me
Remembering so many times
So many lies, so many lies
Ran so fast the years passed blind
So much time lost killing five
Whatever poison you may drink
Another list of 'no's' persist
Antique and out of reach
I lose my life and take it back
Crashed this side of happiness
Hit the floor or hit and miss
Without the strength to follow through
Walked right past this life in you
Just one more kiss
Just one more chance
Just one more life or circumstance
Just one more call
Taking a chance on circumstance"


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I love chances, I really, really do.

I also love this song which has randomly popped into my head at times for probably about the past five years. I think it's a fantastic song.

My body, my face in particular, has taken to uncontrollable twitching.

Sometimes I think strength is just allowing yourself to be battered over time out of something akin to a tired lack of resistance. Am I strong or do I just float along?

I am terribly shy, which I don't think is that great. I guess I'm not against my shyness, but I just wish it were effective in some way.

I find the stars and fireworks to be incredibly romantic. I basically just want to lay out under the sky at night all summer long. Maybe someone will join me. I tend to feel awfully alone under the night sky after a little while. And I do start to feel so dizzy, as if I can feel the earth spinning. One day it might just shake me off. Until then I'll continue to grip the grass tightly.

I want release. Comfort. The absence of deadlines and obligations. I want smiles. Fresh starts. Chances.

I really thought I was prepared for this. I was relatively certain that I could handle this. I had forgotten how scared I would get every time I heard a noise that I couldn't readily distinguish. How every distorted sound was either crying or screaming. I didn't realize that every move and word had to be calculated and sheltered. I'm just not prepared for it. I don't think I'm strong enough. I'm so afraid that I'm not strong enough to take this. To be the mature person. To be the rock. It just feels like too much to ask from me. My conviction is wavering, my confidence is abandoning me. She's right, but she's wrong. How dare I sit there and try to convince her that everything is ok? I wasn't ready for this flood. I want stability. I want security. I want her to feel satisfied. I don't want to be alone, but I want to be strong enough to handle this on my own.

Consequences of the Blameless

How happy can the night sky be
When its dazzle distills into day?
If the winds howl and the shadows fray
Warm welcomes are lonely to me.
Far away, flew, from the cusp to see
How close the earth would come to betray;
I stole away love and chose not to obey
And landed with bones all too empty.
But fleeting words do drift abound
And in their language flaunt;
My subtle tongue longs to expound
The miseries that haunt!
But blameless me expels old sound
As mysteries still taunt.


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Oh snap, I wrote a sonnet?
Sometimes free verse is too much freedom.
Sometimes I need a little structure to focus.